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"This sums up my life"

I think the Secret Fun that Jen Kirkman's referring to here is a little different to mine, as she seems to be implying that she was doing the same kind of fun as these other people, just not at the same time. I still really like this concept, because my life must seem super boring to a lot of people who find certain kinds of fun really important but I have a great time, like, all the time.

Okay, not all the time. But, an illustration. The other day I went to a thing that I really didn’t feel like going to because of complicated reasons involving family. The feelings of resistance I struggled with were really strong and I didn’t really know how to shrug them off. I felt sulky and uncomfortable all through the lead-up to the thing, and a corner of my mind churned constantly in search of a way out of having to go.

Which made me realise: most of the time I get to do what I want and I like doing it. Even when it’s something I “don’t want to do”, like housework or sitting through a dull class or writing an essay I can’t get interested in, it’s generally congruent with my overall goals and values and what have you and so the resistance I have to overcome is the whiny “why can’t I only do easy fun things, I’m tired, I want a drink of lemonade” kind.

And maybe some of my fun is Secret Fun, or Unfathomable Fun, but that’s fine. I’m not embarrassed by how much I enjoy, say, doing grocery shopping on a Friday night, coming home to an empty apartment, and listening to new music while I fix metadata or edit photos. Or sitting quietly at a party where interesting people are talking. My fun is for me, and (in a way that was never possible when I was a teenager and being told to cultivate such an attitude) I could not care less if other people can’t deal with me not doing the fun that they’re doing.

(I’m sure it helps a lot that I’ve somehow accumulated a bunch of friends who don’t think I’m super boring. It would be way more difficult not to care about my Secret Fun being Secret if I didn’t actually know anyone who enjoyed interacting with me.)

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